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October 3, 2005

All The News That's Left To Print

James Girvin

      So it has been two weeks since the last edition of The Patriot, and I've realized something: This is a bi-weekly paper. There is no need for me to write "so it's been two weeks" every single time I start off a new article.

      The problem I've found with this paper coming out fairly often is, at times, I just don't have enough material to write stuff on. Sometimes I just use filler (i.e. the last few sentences) while at other times I try and find some more "peculiar" stories to mention in this column. For example, did you know a woman in Tokyo was recently arrested after she called the police to apprehend a hit-man she had hired because he had failed to kill her lover's wife? Sometimes (okay, most times) the stories are funnier than anything I could even say about them.

      I guess we should get to some more important news though, and nothing screams "relevant" quite like the National Enquirer. Apparently, this upstanding magazine is reporting that President Bush has "fallen off the wagon" and resorted to drinking in the midst of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. If this is true—and, granted, this is a huge "if"—I wouldn't exactly be surprised. I mean, this man has fallen off of a Segway, so a wagon doesn't seem too farfetched.

      Speaking of Katrina, Dr. Max Mayfield, the director of the National Hurricane Center has stated that the above-average storm activity seen recently could continue for another twenty years or more. I was okay with the idea of moving to Canada following the recent elections, but now the place is looking even better. No, really, Canada is great. It's the "Land of Make Believe." No, wait…I think that's the name of some amusement park in New Jersey. Canada is the "Land of Maple Leaves."

      Seriously, though, this is some scary stuff. Just as we are finally recovering from the last few weeks, Hurricane Rita has hit parts of the United States, as well as causing damage to many homes and property. Good thing our Commander-in-Chief and his administration showed they are prepared for such any disaster a few weeks ago. I'll go tune my guitar for the President and see if I can score some Broadway tickets for Condoleezza Rice.

      While we're on the topic of the Apocalypse, I guess it only makes sense to bring up a story about a new version of the Bible touted as the "100-Minute Bible," developed in Britain by the Rev. Michael Hinton. This smaller, more reader-friendly Bible, apparently has each book summarized, making it "ideal" for those of us with short attention spans. Lucky for Republicans and Right-Wingers, they made sure to keep the few lines in there that they are used to, assuring that they can discriminate against all sorts of people!

      Well that's about all for this week's edition. See you in two weeks…I just won't say it next time.

Front Page (October 3, 2005)

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