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September 14, 2005

All The News That's Left To Print

James Girvin

      Well, it has now been a full summer since the last edition of The Patriot, and I have to say that a lot has changed in the world. Iraq is a bastion of peace, the national debt has disappeared, our leaders are as open and honest with us as ever before, and Hell has indeed frozen over.

      So what really has been happening over the past few weeks? Obviously, the topic on almost everyone's mind is Hurricane Katrina and the horrific destruction caused by it. Well, everyone, that is, except for some of our supposed leaders. You see, President Bush was still making his regular political appearances while fully aware of the horrors occurring down south. In one photo taken during this time, for example, the President is seen playing a guitar. He was accompanied by Nero on the fiddle.

      Many people have criticized the Bush administration for dragging its feet (I don't know if that is possible, though, considering his administration barely had any legs left to begin with) in terms of the relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina. Some critics have even called upon Bush and the rest of his cabinet to go down to New Orleans and try drinking some of the water all of the deprived people down there have had to survive on for days in order to get just a small idea of how horrible the conditions are. Bush has yet to do so, but in his defense, I have a feeling he was banned from drinking in New Orleans during his party days.

      In a related story, USA Today recently ran a story called "GOP steps up to tee regularly," which stated that a new survey in Golf Digest found that, among Washington's political elite, "Republicans are more likely to play golf than Democrats." I believe the alternative headline for this article was something along the lines of "Most Obvious Results from a Survey Ever."

      Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) has declared that he will veto a bill that would have made California the first state to legalize same-sex marriage through its lawmakers. Hey, I guess they don't call him the Terminator for nothing. Seriously, I haven't seen Republicans this afraid of a bill since President Clinton.

      With the passing of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, President Bush will now receive a unique opportunity to appoint at least two Justices to the Supreme Court during his tenure. John Roberts has been nominated to become the next Chief Justice, while it has been stated that the second vacancy will not be immediately filled. That is not a problem for us Democrats, though, since we already have all the criticisms written out for whoever it is. All we need to do is fill in the blank with his or her name. See, I can criticize my own party, too.

      How about we lighten up this article a little bit, take a break from politics, and talk sports for a second? If you're like me, you can't wait for the NFL season to start up for another year. Furthermore, if you're like me, you have put off writing this article for too long and have run out of material, so you're resorting to talking about sports to take up space. But that's beside the point.

      One NFL game I am particularly interested in watching is the Monday Night Football match-up between the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins…but not for any reasons related to football. Does anyone else get the impression from this game that NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue simply wants to recreate some fantasy game he used to play at recess when he was five years old?

      Furthermore, I would assume that I am not alone when I say that I find the use of the word "Redskin" as a nickname for a team just a little distasteful. I mean, seriously, what's next? The Micks winning the AFC East? Don't worry Boston baseball fans: I do not find the name "Red Sox" to be offensive. That's just for Yankee fans.

      Okay, well that about does it for me this week. One more thing before I go, though. Even though this article is a joke, the annihilation caused by Hurricane Katrina certainly is not. If you can help with the relief efforts in any way, please try and do so immediately.

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