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April 29, 2005

All the News that's Left to Print

James Girvin

      So this is it, huh? The last edition of The Patriot for the year. It seems like it was only yesterday that we were talking about the State of the Union Address and the Iraqi elections. Now look at how the world has progressed. Sure, Iraq is still a quagmire, Bush is still unpopular worldwide, Republicans and Democrats are still fighting with each other, and . . . well, apparently, not a lot has changed since the first issue.

      So what's going on in the world today?

      One of the biggest recent stories concerns House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) and the apparent corruption that follows him everywhere he goes. First of all, let me say how shocked I am to hear that a Republican from Texas (of all places) might be corrupt! I mean, an allegation of being in cahoots with Ken Lay and Enron, multiple ethics violations, possible fraudulent monetary dealings . . . the list goes on and on and on. This man has more bad raps than a Ja Rule CD.

      In other news, the process for appointing John "I hate the U.N." Bolton to be the United States' Representative to the United Nations is fully underway. Although he might have enough votes to receive approval from the committee, some Republicans—specifically Senators Chuck Hagel (R-NE) and Lincoln Chafee (R-RI)—have expressed their apprehension. Senator Hagel, for instance, said that he is "troubled" by some of the allegations that he has heard from Democrats concerning Mr. Bolton. In response to Mr. Hagel's comments, John Bolton stated that it "doesn't matter what Mr. Hagel thinks. There is no Chuck Hagel; there is only John Bolton. Me, baby, me."

      Don't think that last quote makes any sense? Neither does Mr. Bolton's appointment.

      Recently, it has been discovered that a memo pointing out the political advantage of the Terry Schiavo case for Republicans was, in fact, developed by a staff-member of Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL). Originally, Republicans denied that such a memo even existed, claiming that it was a false allegation from the Left. Additionally, many conservative pundits stated that no Republican would ever do something idiotic and damaging, in such an awkward attempt to gain political advantage. Um, do you think they've ever heard of President Richard Nixon?

      Ann Coulter made the cover of TIME magazine, although she isn't too happy with how her picture turned out. "Why can't they just photograph conservatives straight?" she asked. Honestly, considering how much she seems to hate homosexuals, I find that statement ironic.

      WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE IN EACH HAND, Ted Nugent told members of the National Rifle Association to be "hardcore, radical extremists demanding the right to self-defense." He went on to state that he would like to kill every "bad guy," from burglars to carjackers. Kill them all, huh? Then I guess if he had it his way, anyone deemed a "bad guy" would be as dead as Nugent's career.

      Lance Armstrong has announced that he will retire after this year's Tour de France. After an amazing career, it will be weird to watch the Tour de France without Armstrong racing. Wait, that's assuming I'd actually watch the Tour de France in the first place. And that's about as likely as Dave Chappelle winning the Republican nomination for President.

      How many people just did a stupid Dave Chappelle impersonation?

      Last but not least, the fight over the filibuster is on. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) seems to be tightening all the loose ends before the crucial vote on the so-called "nuclear option" (in which the number of votes needed to end a filibuster of a judicial nominee would drop from 60 to 51), perhaps to be held in just a few weeks. Priority number one? Changing the pronunciation of "nuclear" to "nu-cu-ler."

      So that's it. I'm done. I'd write a good closing line, but it's Marathon Monday and I seem to be getting distracted all too easily. I mean, how often do you get to see people crazy enough to go outside on a hot day and run 26.2 miles? Well, yes I realize there are many marathons held every year. Yes, I know that they show marathons on television once in a while. Yes, I—okay, whatever, it was a rhetorical question!

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