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April 14, 2005

Ten Peculiar Similarities Between John Bolton and Michael Bolton

Daniel Riehs

      Much has been made recently of President Bush's unconventional nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the UN. While the media has been quick to point out Bolton's political failings, there has yet to be any acknowledgement of a possibly much more disturbing trend, namely, the many uncanny similarities between John Bolton and singer Michael Bolton.

      Listed below are ten of the most obvious similarities:

  1. John Bolton has been a vocal critic of the United Nations. Michael Bolton has used his vocal skills to impress critics.

  2. John Bolton wishes to recreate the Roman Empire through neoconservative policies. Michael Bolton wrote, arranged, and performed music in Disney's neoclassical revival of Hercules.

  3. John Bolton doesn't think the United Nations exists. Michael Bolton doesn't think that he can live without you.

  4. John Bolton's appointment as ambassador to the UN could bring about the fleeing of Kofi. Michael Bolton's name ruined the life of a character in a 1999 Mike Judge movie, who would often flee his office to get coffee.

  5. John Bolton had the nerve to suggest that Cuba's health system was a cover for bioterrorism. Michael Bolton had the nerve to cover classics by Otis Redding and Ray Charles.

  6. John Bolton's nomination happened at the will of Dick Cheney. Michael Bolton appeared on American Bandstand at the will of Dick Clark.

  7. John Bolton opposed the trade of illegal arms. Michael Bolton opposed the illegal downloading of "Back In My Arms Again."

  8. John Bolton was a member of the legal team that ensured the 2000 Presidential election would be decided by the Supreme Court. Michael Bolton sang lush, soulful tunes that ensured he would be given a prominent place in music history by the court of public opinion.

  9. John Bolton will continue to be undiplomatic toward North Korea and Iran. Michael Bolton will continue to be unbelievable when performing on his upcoming UK tour in cities such as Birmingham.

  10. John Bolton was nominated to be ambassador to the United Nations by an awful President. Michael Bolton was involved in a 1994 copyright infringement case that may have set an awful precedent.

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