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April 14, 2005

All The News That's Left To Print

James Girvin

      Wow, it's been two weeks already? When I first decided to try to make this a regular article, little did I know two weeks would go by with barely any real newsworthy stories. Yes, I realize Pope John Paul II has passed on; this is supposed to be a joke article, though, and I would never take something as serious as a death and try to make it funny.

      Wow, So, with that in mind, what am I to do? There are only a few new headlines that others are not already discussing (such as Tom Delay becoming even less popular and Al Gore starting up a new TV channel—both of which are amusing on their own, even without a joke) and I have a deadline of April 5th.... I've got it! Let's try a little imagination with this one. I'm going to write this article as if Senator John Kerry had actually run a good campaign and won the election in November. So, without further ado:

      Wow, If John Kerry were President...

  • Nothing major would get done, since the Republicans would still control the House and the Senate. (This is ironic since they would feel it is justified, but now that the Democrats in the minority are trying to block things such as the appointment of Right-wing judges, they're "obstructionists.") Plus, Mr. Kerry does have some trouble making up his mind....The elections are over, Dems, you can admit it now.

  • Our nation would implode on itself since, you know, gays would be allowed to marry.

  • Dick Cheney would still be a pretty big jerk, but at least he'd be a relatively powerless jerk.

  • Social Security would actually be secure.

  • Ex-President George W. Bush (man, it feels good to say that) would be...I don't even know. All that matters is that he'd be an ex-president.

  • Actually, scratch that: Mr. Bush would probably be doing stand-up comedy. That's pretty much what his stumping campaigns are anyway.

  • President Kerry would still think his favorite player on the Red Sox is Manny Ortiz.

  • Terry Schiavo would have passed away without being used as a political talking point.

  • Cancer would be cured. Kidding. I just wanted to see if people were still reading this.

  • I would have been emotionally responsive from the days of November 3-10.

  • We'd probably change the name of our country to "The Worst Place to Live Ever," since liberals obviously hate America.

  • Vice-President Edwards would actually have a legitimate shot at the presidency. Not that I'm a naysayer...

  • "Kerryisms" would be sold in calendar-form at your local bookstore. Unlike "Bushisms," these would not be one-a-day little blurbs. Instead, they would be one long-winded speech over an entire month's worth of pages.

  • The list of possible Supreme Court Justice Nominees wouldn't want to bring our country back to the way it was in the 1800s.

  • The global community might like us just a bit more.

      Well, those are just some of the differences we would see in the world and our country had John Kerry been elected in 2004. There is one thing, though, that would not have occurred had Bush lost. You see President Bush's approval rating as of March of the year following his re-election is a measly 45%. That is the lowest of any president since World War II. Seriously, that's so funny that it almost makes it worth it that he won.

Front Page (April 14, 2005)

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