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March 31, 2005

Oh, Canada

James Girvin, American

      “They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.”

      Go ahead. Take a guess who said the preceding quote in reference to the United States’ treatment of Canada. I’ll give you a hint: she spoke here last year and hates anyone who is not a white male. Still can’t figure it out? Alright, I’ll tell you: it’s Ann Coulter. She, along with a good deal of American citizens, seems to have some unreasonable rage toward our good neighbor to the North, and I feel it’s time that someone said something about it. This someone is certainly not me.

Oh, Canada

      Before really getting into anymore of this article, though, I need to make one thing perfectly clear: I love Canada. Really, I do. It’s the “Land of Make Believe.” Oh, no wait. That’s Disneyworld. Canada is the “Land of Maple Leaves.”

      So is there a purpose to this article? Considering this is the third paragraph and I have yet to establish anything, one would think there really is no reason for this piece. But I promise there is; you see, I recently made a trek across the border to visit Canada, and I feel it is necessary to make a concise list of some of the best places to go to while in Canada – Montreal, specifically – for any of those who are thinking of moving there after the recent elections.

  • While in Montreal, make sure to go and visit St. Catherine’s Street. You can find it fairly easily; simply walk toward all of the bright, flashing lights…of the strip clubs. You’ll know you are officially on the right street when approached by a prostitute.

  • Crescent Street is another great place to visit on your stay. Here, you can find karaoke, dance clubs, and some bars. Oh yeah, and there is a bathroom somewhere along that street that had a big “[expletive deleted] Bush!” drawn in one of its stall. See? Even though Canadians and I don’t agree on everything (like the necessity of the NHL), we at least see eye-to-eye in politics.

  • Check out The Vatican. It’s a club, not the holy place. I think the only similarity between the real Vatican and the one in Montreal is that they both serve alcohol at their various functions. Sure, the real Vatican’s wine “saves your soul” while the club Vatican’s alcohol is two for five dollars and, more than likely, leads to the condemnation of your soul, but that’s beside the point.

      So that’s about all I can tell you about Montreal. I know it isn’t exactly the best list that has ever been made, but at least it’s something. So go, all you disillusioned liberals! Go north to where you will be accepted for who you are. The people there understand what we are going through. For example, an anonymous person at one of the bars (I say anonymous because I do not remember the name) said, “The only good thing I can think of about American politics as they stand right now are term limits.” Now that’s what I like to hear: liberals with a sense of humor. We should look into getting some more of that philosophy here in the good ol’ U, S, of…Eh?

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