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March 31, 2005

Craig’s Crystal Ball: GOP Bench Wearing Thin

Craig Dorsett

      If anyone was wondering why the Republican Party has been so emboldened by the results of last November's Presidential Election, the answer is quite clear: they realize that the clock is ticking. Sure they can deny it all they want and run around screaming that they have a mandate--which is similar to what RNC chairman Ken Mehlman does on the weekends--but the facts remain: the GOP bench is thinner than Dick Cheney's hair and the Republican Party has nowhere viable to turn in 2008.

Craig’s Crystal Ball: GOP Bench Wearing Thin

      Take first their leader in the Senate, Bill Frist. When it comes to public speaking, Sen. Frist is about as exciting as the last Tennessee politician to run for President, Al Gore. Sen. Frist is also a doctor, but he allegedly used to practice surgery on kittens that he purchased from animal shelters. I wonder how that will fly with the pro-life community. Cats have feelings, too.

      Then there is John McCain. Conservatives squashed his last bid for the Presidency and common sense says that they'll do it again. Why deal with a so-called maverick--someone who doesn't do everything God commands him to do--when there is a jar of nuts like Rick Santorum and others lining up to God's, err America's, policy work. Conservatives have no reason to support him, despite the fact that he is their only viable option.

      Being the good Boston College Athletics Superfan that I am, I know if there is one person not to like, his name is Rudy. But there is also another Rudy who can't hack it in the big leagues, and that's Rudy Giuliani. The former mayor who cleaned up NYC is often talked about for the White House. But in addition to a MAJOR lack of experience on just about every relevant issue, Rudy also has to face the fact that his pro-choice, pro-gay rights, anti-gun stances leave him zero chance of winning the GOP nomination. All the chanting in the world won't get him into the game.

      Condoleezza Rice is oft mentioned in Washington circles as a potential candidate to move the party ahead. But those beltway boys seem to be forgetting that Dr. Rice is a black woman, whose unmarried status unequivocally makes her a lesbian. That combination of things denies her pretty much every possible chance of winning the Republican nomination. However, were she to switch parties, she would be a lock for the Democratic nomination.

      Let's not forget about Mitt Romney. Ha-ha! This Mormon won’t couldn’t marry himself out of a paper bag, much less re-election for Massachusetts Governor in 2006. The same holds true for New York Governor George Pataki. Pataki wants to run for President, but he finds himself searching for a way out of running against and losing to New York Attorney General and apparent Democratic superhero Elliot Spitzer.

      The one option for the future of the party lies in the President's brother, Jeb Bush. However, Jeb is a much different person than the man in the Oval Office and also wants no part of being seen as winning because of his brother. No, no, Jeb is waiting. He wants to be the light for the party and lead them from darkness in 2012. He is well aware that Republican Party is about to fizzle and tear apart at the seams with a brutal '08 primary. Jeb will wait and unite the party in his direction in 2012 rather than pick up the ball wherever W. drops it. And he will drop it.

      So to all my Republican friends I say “live it up.” Your time is short and if you’d like to spend it failing to dismantle Social Security, subpoenaing Jose Canseco and trying to legislate family life, by all means do so. You are just making it that much easier for Democrats to make the differences between our parties clear. So, I suggest y’all start planning for the future and deepening the GOP bench. But in the meantime, “warm up the bus.”

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