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March 31, 2005

All The News That's Left To Print

James Girvin

      You know what the best thing about writing an article based solely on current events is? New things occur every day. This means a relatively uncreative person (i.e. myself) can have an endless amount of material every time he or she sits down to write. I mean, I literally just read a headline called "Satan's image seen on shell of turtle that survived inferno." That's golden!

      Anyway, let's get to some real news . . . So I can make fake jokes about it.

      One of the biggest stories over the last few weeks has been President George Bush's nomination of Paul Wolfowitz as chair of the World Bank. You may remember Mr. Wolfowitz as the mastermind behind the oh-so-successful War in Iraq (now in its second year! Boy, they sure grow up fast, huh?). You know who I'm talking about, right? He's the man who said that "we are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon," when discussing Iraq. This is probably why he didn't feel the need to make an exit strategy.

      Does anyone else have a problem with this man being rewarded for being a failure? I mean, promoting a person with no financial experience to the World Bank (not to mention the $200 billion and 1,500 American lives he has cost us) doesn't seem to make much sense. That's like taking a man who has sunk every business he has run into the ground and allowing him to be presi . . . Oh yeah, bad example.

      Speaking of nominations that boggle the mind, Bush also recently named John Bolton as the United States' Ambassador to the United Nations. This is the same man who has seemed to have a personal vendetta against the UN throughout his career, making statements like, "There is no United Nations . . . When the United States leads, the United Nations will follow." He is looking to start out on the right foot, though. Apparently, he sent a memo to the UN in which he stated that he is "really looking forward to participating in your pointless and utterly contemptible organization." Multilateralism at its finest!

      This just in: a recent report states that President Bush's full name is actually "George Walker Michael Dennis Bush." You see, a couple of years ago, he shortened his name to George Walker Bush. Man, you can't even find WMD in the man's name anymore! Actually, I have to admit that isn't true. Like our president, I also made up stuff about WMD.

      In other news, Lawrence Summers, President of Harvard University, recently received a vote of no confidence held by the Arts and Science faculty after making controversial remarks regarding women and their innate abilities when compared to men. If he loses his job, look for him to be appointed to a women's affairs position within Bush's cabinet.

      Iraq's National Assembly held its historic, first meeting last week. During the course of the meeting, they couldn't agree on who should lead them, what they should accomplish, etc., and ended up making a blanket statement about wanting peace to spread throughout the country. Yup, you can definitely tell that they're using our American politicians as role models.

      President Bush has continued to stump for Social Security reform the old fashioned way: speaking in front of only those people willing to support his position. During one of the speeches, Mr. Bush said that he believes "we're making progress of convincing the American people of two things: one, nothing will change for seniors . . . and we must work together to make sure the system works for younger Americans." He then added, "Oh yeah, and we've been able to convince the American people that I actually know what I'm talking about with all this stuff."

      Recently, Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL) proposed an amendment which stated simply: "It is the sense of the Senate that Congress should reject any Social Security plan that requires deep benefit cuts or a massive increase in debt." Only five Republicans voted for the amendment. You know what that means, right? A majority of Republican senators are in support of benefit cuts and massive debt!

      Well I've rambled on for quite a while now and I probably should have quit writing a long time ago. In fact, I'm pretty confident that a vast majority of the people who read this have already put down the article before getting to this conclusion. Because of this, I will end by stating the most ridiculous thing I can think of, comforted only by the fact that no one is going to read it anyway. Okay, here it goes:

      The nation needs more Republicans.

Front Page (March 31, 2005)

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